A few thoughts on eyeglasses and ways to improve them

After tearing my contact lens the other morning, I found myself once again wearing eyeglasses all day.

I first started wearing glasses in early elementary school, and I wore them pretty much all the time until I switched over to contacts when I was in my 20s.

While wearing glasses again for a few days recently, it reminded me of days gone by, made me think about what I like and dislike about glasses and gave me some ideas for improving eyewear. Basically, I have been obsessing on the glasses, so I am going to try to draw you into my obsession here with a few thoughts about them.

Things I don’t like about glasses

When I got to work the first day, I realized how different the world looked. Some things were a little blurry, some things were clear and some were pretty tough to see.

Cleaning my glasses helped a great deal, though, and soon most things were clear again. How had my glasses gotten so dirty? And why were the lenses sticky? It’s like I had spilled syrup on them. I hate dirty glasses.

Although I could see better with clean lenses, the glasses were still somewhat annoying. One annoying factor was that I kept seeing reflections of the sunlight behind me in them, and it kept startling me.

“Is someone behind me? Who’s there? No, it’s just the stupid reflection again.”

After a while, I remembered how common this was with glasses, and it started to seem familiar once again.

I also had to get used to the idea that things straight ahead of me were clear, but if I looked straight up or down without turning my head, things were blurry. That was a huge pain. I can’t be bothered with turning my head! That’s too much work.

When I wear contacts, I sometimes have trouble reading fine print, so if I put on reading glasses it helps. While wearing glasses, though, I still had trouble reading fine print, so then I had to take off the glasses so that I could see better.

So basically, if I have glasses on, I need to take them off to read, and if I am not wearing glasses, I have to put them on to read. It makes no sense.

 

Things I do like about glasses

They last longer than contacts and don’t tear as easily.

Also, I think they make me look smarter, or at least not as stupid.

In addition, while they may have added to my geeky look at times in life, they have also been pretty good for hiding behind and hoping no one notices you.

Perhaps the best aspect of wearing glasses is that you have the ability to take them off dramatically in order to make a point. Some of my favorite movie scenes involve people taking off their glasses dramatically, and it is pretty much a life goal for me to do this at the right time.

“While you make a good case, you have missed one important clue. Col. Mustard was in the library the whole time (I take off my glasses), so the murderer could only have been Professor Plum with the plunger!”

If you try to make a dramatic point by taking out a contact lens while you are talking, it does not have the same effect at all.

“You’re right. I haven’t been completely honest with you. The truth is (I reach up to my face to pull my eye open wide with my left hand, then reach into my eye with my right hand, squeeze my contact to take it out, blink several times, shed a tear and then hold it carefully in my fingers so that I don’t drop it or tear it), that I am the person who let the dogs out.”

And finally, glasses can also make you look thoughtful if you chew on the stem. While you chew on your glasses, everyone will think you are deep in thought trying to solve a big problem even if you are just trying to remember what you ate for lunch yesterday. I should note that while you are chewing on the glasses, you should be careful not to think about how dirty they probably are.

 

Ideas for improving glasses

If we are already seeing reflections in glasses, why not improve on this by putting some actual mirrors on them? A side view mirror on each glasses stem would let you see behind you easily, just as with a side view mirror on a car. Plus, they would look awesome. Of course, people behind you would look larger than they actually are, so you would have to be aware of that.

Why can’t we bring back the glasses on long sticks? People may just use these as opera glasses today, but at one time people used the eyewear on a stick all of the time. How awesome would it be to walk around holding a long stick with your glasses on them so you could read and/or see. That would have completely changed my whole image in high school.

Why can’t glasses fit around your head, and not around your ears and nose? I realize I am describing rec specs (or the weird-looking glasses people wear to play sports), but why can’t they make nicer versions of those? I hate how glasses can hurt my nose and my ears.

How about putting lights on glasses? It would help with reading, walking into dark rooms or looking for your keys. Frankly, I’m surprised that most glasses don’t have lights on them already.

What about adding pockets to glasses? The pockets would be on the stems and could hold pens, keys, money and even snacks. How cool would you look just walking around snacking on the Chex Mix in your glasses pocket?

Why not make the glasses stems also work as pens? Think about, it, people stick pens behind their ears! You always have glasses with you. Why can’t we write with our glasses? I’m a little angry now that I can’t use my glasses as a pen. I’m also confused about how my wife can doubt the genius of this idea.

How about adding blinders to your glasses in order to help you focus at work?

Finally, heated glasses or glasses with a cooling mechanism would be awesome. They would help to keep you comfortable and they would feel great. Maybe they would even help with headaches.

If you think about it, I’m not asking for too much. I would just prefer it if glasses made me look cooler, did not scare me, cleaned themselves with little windshield wipers, made it easier for me to read, and carried snacks. Or maybe I should just stop tearing my contacts.