Top Five Toes

Most people are familiar with toes, but too often these amazing feet fingers are only thought of as a group and are not recognized for their individual talents.

Much like famous bands such as The Beatles, The Eagles, and Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, though, each group of toes is filled with individual appendages that would still stick out even if they were all alone.

In order to rectify this total travesty and defeat this feet anonymity, our judges have put together this list of the Top Five Toes. It was quite a feat to assign a digit to each digit, and our judges sure nailed this one.

First, we have one Honorable Mention:

The Pinky Toe – It’s a fine toe and is awfully cute, which places it in the honorable mention category. At the same time, though, do we really need it? I read that you would still have the same balance even without a Pinky Toe. The Pinky Toe knuckle is apparently key to walking but the actual toe is not. In addition, the one thing that the Pinky Toe is best known for is “going wee wee wee all the way home,” which is not a big selling point. What does that mean anyway? Yelling? Going to the bathroom? It’s happy? Either way, it is annoying and is another reason the Pinky Toe has yet to reach the Top 5.

5. The Fourth Toe – Also known as the Ring Toe, the fourth toe is bigger than the Pinky Toe, which is a positive. In addition, it can be helpful for picking items up, if you are one of those people who can pick up items with your toes. Other than that, though, there’s not much else that can be said about the Fourth Toe, except that it is going to have to step up if it wants to climb this countdown.

4. The Second Toe – Also known as the Long Toe, the second toe is another outstanding toe, and it is helpful with walking, jumping and picking items up. However, it is confusing. For some people, it is the longest toe, while for others it is the second longest. Our judges would like to see a little more consistency, as well as some new uses for the Second Toe before this toe trucks its way up to the top of the countdown.

3. The Frito – Fritos are awesome. You can eat them by themselves, you can add them to sandwiches or hamburgers, and you can even dip them in sauce. Our judges love Fritos. Some people may argue that Fritos should not be included in this list because they are not technically toes, but if you think about it, these corn chips are actually shaped an awful lot like the Second Toe.

2. The Big Toe – This was a somewhat controversial choice, as the Big Toe has many fans. Also known as the First Toe, Hallux or Great Toe, it is very useful for walking, messing with the faucet in the bathtub, picking up items, jumping, and even kicking. It is the toe that went to the market, and it generally has better movement than the other toes. The one item holding it back is stubbing factor. Whenever you stub your toe, it generally happens with the Big Toe and it hurts like crazy. Until our top toe technicians can stem the stubbing of toes, the Big Toe cannot jump up to No. 1.

1.The Third Toe – Also known as the Middle Toe, this fabulous phalange has too many advantages to keep it out of the No. 1 position. It helps with balance and walking, it is rarely stubbed, it is in the middle for gripping and clenching, it can also be named the Three Toe (which sounds like Frito) and it was the little piggy with the best result as it had roast beef (which is tasty and goes well with Fritos). Many songs and poems no doubt will be written about the Third Toe, which is the Top Toe, Apex Appendage and No. 1 digit on the foot.