How I plan to spend my Mega Millions jackpot

Like most people, I have made a few sensible plans for what to do after I win the Mega Millions jackpot this week.

It’s important to be smart about things like this, though, so I have also made plans for what not to do after I win $1.6 billion.

Here are a few of the items on my list:

Do: Order a large pizza with extra toppings! Plus the cheese bread, pesto sauce and maybe even a dessert item and not feel guilty about it.

Don’t: Purchase the expensive gas at the gas station. Even with $1.6 billion in my bank account, I’m not sure that gas is worth it.

Do: Buy a train. I don’t want a yacht, private jet or anything like that, but it would be sweet to own a train.

Don’t: Ever go to the cell phone store, license bureau or anywhere that I have to wait in line ever again. I will have my employees do that for me.

Do: Order HBO so I can see what everyone else is talking about with Game of Thrones.

Don’t: Change my name to “Scrooge.” It seems to be a popular name with the rich folk, but there are some negative connotations to it. Sometimes Scrooges are extremely happy, sometimes they are very mad. You just never know with them.

Do: Change my name to “Mega Nick” in order to celebrate my Mega Millions win and to show I am mega-rich. I will also begin referring to most things I own with the term “mega” in front of them. “I would like to eat a megasandwich,” I might megasay. Or I might drive in my megacar or talk into my megaphone. Well, that last one might need a little megawork, but I think I can come up with some meganswers.

Don’t: Go to Las Vegas. What would be the point? I would already have a bunch of money.

Do: Try to figure out where to go to buy a train. Do I need to build my own tracks, or can I put my train on existing tracks? I may need to hire a train expert to help me with this.

Don’t: Buy a self-driving car. I’m already nervous riding with anyone else if I’m not driving, so why would I want to ride in a car that no one is driving?

Do: Buy sports or concert tickets in really good seats.

Don’t: Buy beer at the stadium, it’s way too expensive.

Do: Hire a sports announcer that I like such as Gus Johnson or Al Michaels to do the play by play of one of my rec soccer or softball games, or even just a jog. The announcer would have to gloss over some of my miscues or perhaps blame the referees, the sun or Tom Cruise if I kick the ball out of bounds, strike out or make other mistakes. I am not sure why Tom Cruise would be to blame, but I think the announcer could make a strong case about why it was his fault.

Don’t: Buy an expensive cat. Why would anyone buy an expensive cat? Get one from a shelter or from your neighbors or literally anywhere.

Do: Buy a giant safe where I can put my money and then swim around in it.

Don’t: Buy expensive ketchup Why spend extra money on fancy ketchup? The packets they give me at fast food restaurants claim they are for “fancy ketchup” and those are free! Am I supposed to spend more money to buy thick ketchup that takes a long time to come out of the bottle? Why would I want that?

Do: Buy a blimp. Think how awesome it would be to have your own blimp! No long lines at the airport and no worries about losing your luggage. You just ride in your blimp wherever you want to go. I could also fly the blimp over my rec softball and soccer games! That would be sweet.

Don’t: Buy any more lottery tickets. I don’t want to be selfish.

Do: Buy a Segway so I could go places without walking, and then also buy a home treadmill so I could walk for exercise without actually going anywhere.

Don’t: Buy a new sofa unless I am lucky enough to find a furniture store that is having a sale.

I should add that I would give money to charity, family members, friends, causes I believe in and of course, all of my loyal reader(s). So, if I hit the lottery, I likely won’t tell you, but if one day you receive a call or a letter from someone claiming that he won the lottery and that he would like to work with you to spend some of the money, don’t  immediately assume it’s spam. It could be from me, your old megafriend Nick.