After much deliberation, I have decided that I will accept the movie role of James Bond, 007.
I read this week that actor Daniel Craig understandably turned down $100 million to continue playing the role of Bond in the popular film series. I can’t say as I blame him as it all sounds awful. I imagine he felt rather insulted by the offer.
I am sure he would prefer to go back to the career he had before he took on the Bond series when he was in popular movies such as, well, I can’t seem to remember any popular movies that he had a big part in. He was in a bunch of movies I never heard of before, and was somehow in the 1995 film, “A Kid in King Arthur’s Court,” but that seems to be about it.
So you can see why it makes perfect sense for him to give up being James Bond. Maybe he has a part lined up in the next “Air Bud” movie or something like that.
Anyway, with Craig stepping aside, I have decided to take a break from my job and take on the role of James Bond.
I am sure it will be tough having all of those scenes with the gorgeous Bond girls, but I will persevere.
Similarly, I will hate to have to travel around the world to film scenes on beautiful beaches, inside amazing buildings or on scenic mountaintops, but I will carry this burden so just so that we can keep the Bond movies going.
It will be tough to copy Daniel Craig’s acting “style,” but I have been working on a few points that I think will be able to help me.
First of all, I’m good at staring and he seems to do that a lot in his movies. Often when someone says something to him, and he just stares off into the distance for a few minutes before saying something cool like, “And that’s how you tie a bow tie.”
I am pretty good at that (not tying ties, but pausing dramatically). At work, for example, it has become very effective.
“Nick, could you please make some copies of this handout for the meeting?” my boss might say.
I, in turn, just stare back at my boss for 30 seconds or a minute, squint my eyes and then reply, “Copy that.”
This sometimes leads to confusion, which is similar to what many audience members feel after Daniel Craig delivers his lines.
Dramatic stares and pauses often lose their impact when I do them on phone calls, though, as the people on the other end usually just assume I have hung up.
On a positive note, though, the dramatic pauses have led to some interesting conversations at my work, mostly with the human resources office.
Daniel Craig is also good at drinking beverages in his movies. I am also good at this, and feel that I could pull off a Bondish type of cool while drinking my diet cherry Pepsi. I also can gulp very loudly while drinking, and I think this would add a nice touch to the Bond character.
In addition, I am also good at defying orders from my bosses, driving erratically and pretending to be something I am not. That last part has somehow gotten me through more than 20 years of my career.
Basically, I would be the perfect James Bond.
As a deal to the movie studios, I am willing to do a few Bond movies for as low as $90 million. So, if you think about it, I have already made the movie studios $10 million!!!
Now I know what you are likely saying, “But Nick, no one knows who you are? How could you be a big movie star?”
First of all, I would like to remind you that most people never heard of Daniel Craig before he became a Bond star. In addition, I have had some standout roles in community theater as well as high school theater long ago. Sure, I stood out for not remembering my lines or where I was supposed to stand, but people remembered me.
After a Hollywood director hires me for this role, the director will be able to say that he or she “discovered” and “developed” this new “talent” and only you and I will now that I am already so developed and ripe that some might say I am spoiled.
I will wait by my shoe phone for the next few days until the call comes from Hollywood. I can’t promise that I will be available for this Bond role forever, though. If I don’t get the offer soon, I might consider taking on the role of Iron Man if Robert Downey Jr. ever steps down, or I just might get too busy making copies at work.