‘How did I get two forks?’ and other thoughts that go through your head while eating

Eating can be enjoyable, but there is an awful lot of thinking that goes into it.

I am constantly discovering new worries, questions and epiphanies while eating, so I thought I would write about a few of them here to see if anyone shared these deep and often stupid thoughts.

• Hey what’s this crumb on my shirt or table? Sweet, I’ll eat that. It’s probably some old Chex Mix. Wait, was that a crumb? It’s too late. It didn’t taste like Chex Mix. Why didn’t I at least look at that first to figure out what it was before I ate it? Hey, I think I see another crumb.
• This tastes like it might make my stomach hurt later, but I don’t want to leave any leftovers, so I’ll keep eating.” – Every time I think this while eating out, my stomach always hurts later or I feel sick.
• I hate plastic forks. They are the worst. You can’t grab anything with them or cut anything. And don’t even get me started on plastic knives. Carrots cut as well as plastic knives.
• How loudly am I chewing? Is anyone listening to me? I bet they hate me. Maybe if I chew with the front of my mouth it will be quieter. Is there food on my lips now? That is disgusting of me. Did I just spill food? I am fairly certain that everyone is looking at me. Curse these loud potato chips!
• Great now, food is stuck in my teeth. How can I get it out without anyone noticing? It takes a lot of concentration to get it with my tongue. I feel like everyone is looking at me again. Can I wipe my face with a napkin and get it? Nope, didn’t work. Maybe if I pretend to cough I can pick at my teeth with my thumb. Cough, Cough, Cough. Got it! Here is it on my thumb. That was a pain. Where did it go? Oh no, everyone is looking at me again. Better just keep fake coughing.
• Does anyone really care if I have my elbows on the table? Why is that considered bad manners anyway? It is so comfortable.
• Is this my fork? Wait, I have two forks now! How do I put this one back?
• If a fork had three tongs, would it be called a threek? (Note: I should have looked this up earlier, but apparently a Threek is actually a real thing.)
• How many carrots did I eat? I would feel better if I knew I had eaten an even number of carrots. How did I lose track! Curse this engaging dinner conversation!
• I can’t hear what anyone else is saying due to the noise from my own chewing.
• It was nice of this person to make this meal, but it really needs salt. How can I politely ask for salt? How about some ranch dressing to dip this in, too?
• Ok, everyone is talking, it’s safe for me to take a big drink now. I swallow way too loudly. If it’s quiet, I know that everyone hears it and there’s nothing I can do about it. Keep talking! Keep talking. Ahhh, much better.
• Is it ok to use my hands to pick up the individual kernels of corn on my plate?
• How are kernel and colonel pronounced the same?
• Did you ever think about how we have a salad fork, dinner fork, serving fork and then a pitchfork? That’s quite a jump in fork sizes.
• For a spoon, you have a teaspoon, tablespoon (I am honestly not sure which is which), serving spoon and then a shovel, which is basically just a giant spoon.
• I guess a saw is a giant knife.
• It would be sweet to have a chain knife for using at the table.
• I need the salt again but now it’s at the other end of the table. How can I get their attention? This guy is in the middle of a deep and emotional story. I think he’s starting to cry. How can I interrupt him to ask for the salt for the third time?
• If this guy next to me didn’t have his elbows all over the table I could reach past him and maybe grab the salt. Curse this bland food and his lack of table manners!
• Where is my napkin? How long has it been on the floor? I can still use it, it’s not like I’m eating it, I’m just using it to wipe my face and hands.
• I am terrible at holding my silverware correctly while eating. I want to just grab my fork like it’s flashlight.
• They should sell silverware with lights on them.
• Or what about iForks, so you can politely text people on your fork or watch your videos while you eat. You could even take photos of your food and post them immediately to social media.
• I bet we have those in the future. (Note, once again, we actually do have iForks, but they do not have texting abilities yet. It is an interesting product, though, that I should have researched more earlier.)
• I wonder if people will even eat in the future.
• I can hear the parents now, “Don’t put your elbows on the table while you are swallowing your dinner meal! And don’t swallow so loudly!”
• How can I drown out the noise of other people eating?
• Did you ever notice how large other people’s mouths look when they are eating? That guy over there has a giant mouth. He’s like some creature.
• Is it really a rule that you can’t sing at the table or was that just a rule my parents made up to get us to stop singing while we were eating?
• How did I get two dinner rolls now?
• And where is the butter? I wonder if this plastic knife can cut butter? Is it rude to ask the hosts for jelly? What if they bring me some jelly I don’t like? I’ll feel like I have to eat it anyway. Curse my need for jelly!
• Hey, there’s another crumb I can eat on my shirt! I’ll just need to get the salt again for it.