Important questions about cookie dough, socks and wingdings

The world is full of questions that cannot be answered.

Why are we here? What happened to the dinosaurs? Why did I tell my friend I would help him move?

Now that I am older and have more wisdom, time and hair on my hands, I have begun to focus more of my energy on pondering these and other questions.

Most of these are universal questions, so I thought I would share a few with you here, as well as with my readers on other planets, in order to search for answers.

• If cookie dough is so good, why do we ever bake it into cookies? I love cookie dough and would eat it every day if I were allowed (I don’t want to disappoint my mom). I like it more than the actual cookies. Maybe this is why no-bake cookies are among my favorite cookies.
• Are no-bake cookies really cookies if they are not baked? Aren’t they just dough? It’s like if I have a cold bagel but I call it a no-toast breakfast sandwich, or if I am drinking no-freeze ice cream, which is also known as milk.
• I also wonder why we have to bake brownie batter, cake mix and many other items. They are so good in the bowl! Why must we do all of this work to make an inferior product? Can’t we just eat the batter and live happily?
• Also, why is the batter so good on the spatula? Eating batter or dough with a spoon is great, but eating it off of the spatula, that is Heaven. I am considering eating many more foods with spatulas.
• If whipped cream makes every dessert better, why can’t I just eat the whipped cream? Seriously, the whole reason I eat pie is so that I can have whipped cream with it. Why can’t I cut out the middleman?
• Why do movies go so well with popcorn? Why can’t we order it in a restaurant? Or how about if they served it at my next big work meeting? Wouldn’t that be more fun than coffee and old cookies? I also might like to have some Cheetos at my next movie. How about popcorn at church? The youth group could sell it right before the sermon and make some good money.
• Why isn’t Pauly Shore in movies anymore? Perhaps the better question should be, how did Pauly Shore manage to get into so many movies in the first place?
• How can some people put a sock and shoe on one foot and then do the same on the next foot? The correct order is to put a sock on your left foot and then the right, and then shoe on the left foot and then the right. If we are to live in civilized society, things need to be done in the correct order.
• How can my wife start with the right foot?
• Also, where are my extra socks? Shouldn’t they at least be behind my washing machine or somewhere in the house? I don’t take the laundry outside and I don’t lose other articles of clothing. How am I missing so many socks? Does Pauly Shore have them?
• How can people leave one shoe or one sandal on the street so often? Don’t they notice they are walking with one shoe on and one off?
• Whatever happened to cars that allowed you to have three people in the front seat? Was that unsafe? Are we all just too big for that now? Did this change so that we need to buy more cars? What happened?
• Why aren’t there cars that have room for just one person in the front and one in the back? Wouldn’t that be easier to drive and park? I realize I am describing a motorcycle, but couldn’t we have a car like that, too?
• Are European-made grocery carts any better than American-made grocery carts?
• Why are computer printers so difficult to work? And why to they have so many functions that most people never use?
• Why is computer printer ink so expensive? I once, and this is absolutely true, bought a new printer that had some ink with it instead of just buying the expensive ink cartridges for my old printer.
• Why does my computer have so many fonts? Who uses wingdings or dingbats? Those fonts sound like insults from the 1970s. “That Shaggy sure is a wingding.” Most people only use two or three fonts, yet we are paying for like 700 on our computers.
• Why do some people say they don’t like air conditioning? How can anyone not like air conditioning? I love air conditioning. I will go drive my car just to be in nice air conditioning sometimes. It’s like eating pie just to have the whipped cream.
• Why am I getting so hairy? Is it from spending too much time in air conditioning or eating too much cookie dough?
• Why can’t I think of a good ending to this column?

Do you have any answers or additional questions? Feel free to comment below. Thanks.