President Obama has been wiretapping my phone, too!

While I usually try to say out of politics, I feel I must announce that President Obama has obviously wiretapped my phone, too.

Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are, but the evidence is easily the greatest evidence in the history of the world and it all points directly at the former President.

Why would he do this? What evil plot is he involved with here?

A few months ago my old phone broke and I had to order a “new” phone from the phone company that I formally trusted despite their super high prices and slow service.

I won’t say the name of the company, but if you rearrange the letters in its name it spells “Tat” which should have been an obvious clue. It’s short for tattletale!

How did we all miss that?

Anyway, when I got the phone back, I thought it all was working correctly, but little did I know that President Obama himself had placed high-tech tracking system inside the device.

It’s sad, really. Very sad!

Didn’t he have something better to do with his time? Shouldn’t he have been running the country?

Do you want evidence? I’ve got big time evidence. Oh yeah, I’ve got evidence!

First of all someone has been adding songs to my Pandora music list on my phone. I haven’t added any music to the feed myself, so the only plausible explanation is President Obama!

Along the same lines, everyone knows that Obama loves basketball. My phone has the NBA League Pass app and the ESPN app, and sometimes I can’t log onto them. You know why I can’t? Because the former commander-in-chief is now the commander-of-stealing-my-passwords-in-chief and has already logged in! It’s the only explanation!

How diabolical! He’s like the Shakespeare villain of Iago, but with better clothes!

My phone also has this “Briefing” thing that pops up every once in a while with different news stories. I have no idea how it got on my phone or what I am accidentally doing to make it pop up. The only reasonable explanation is President Obama!

He’s so sneaky!

And what about all of these calls I get from unknown numbers? I bet they are President Obama himself prank-calling me! He’s like a modern day Eddie Haskell!

How does he always trick me!?!

Also, if I want to get directions to go somewhere, my phone somehow knows exactly knows where my home is and where I am at all times. How can it know that? Do you think President Obama is tracking me now?

Sometimes I am carrying my phone around and it feels like it vibrates like someone has called or texted me. When I look at the phone, though, no missed phone calls or texts are there. What happened? Did Obama take them? Or was that just my phone vibrating because the bugging device had gone off again?

What is he after? What’s his game? I can’t believe how evil he is!

Is he trying to steal some of my new dad jokes? If you hear him saying something like this, you’ll now he is reading my texts.

“Did you hear the one about the big dance where they served kale flavored punch?”

“There’s no punch line.”

What a bad guy! I just can’t believe it. He’s stealing terrible jokes! It’s so sad!

I was telling a group of my friends about it recently and they were mortified. In fact, it was the largest gathering of friends ever and they said that my remarks were probably the best words they had ever heard.

I told them, and they agreed that it was the tremendousest plan in the world, that the only way I am ever going to stop President Obama from wiretapping my wireless phone is to install a great big firewall! That should fix the problem for sure, a huge, wonderful firewall!

 

Has President Obama been listening in to your phone conversations, too? Feel free to comment below. Thanks.