An open letter to the makers of MTN DEW KICKSTART

Dear DEW People (DEWers?)

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on the creation of your “KICKSTART” drinks. A remarkable advance in drinking technology, they truly take the energy drink/soda market to the next level. I don’t know how you DEWed it.

However, I must take issue with one recent development in the KICKSTART Universe (KU).

A year ago or so, my stepchildren shared the magic of your drinks with me. I initially gave them the responsible adult message that “all energy drinks are bad.” After trying one of your products one day when my start was in need of kicking, though, I found that I quite liked it. So, in order to be a supportive family member while also satisfying my thirst for pop, I began consuming your product somewhat regularly while conveniently ignoring the fact that somewhat regularly is a rather illogical way of describing things.

Recently, however, when I have gone to the gas stations and drug stores where I somewhat regularly purchase KICKSTART drinks, I have not been able to find my favorite flavor, Strawberry Kiwi.

At first, I just assumed the local gas station was out of it because Strawberry Kiwi is the superior flavor that everyone wants to purchase. Then I made an educated guess that the drugstore did not have any because there must have been a large number of people shopping there due to allergy season, and they naturally all picked up some Strawberry Kiwi KICKSTART, too. It is the ultimate beverage that all previous drinks had been leading up to, after all

But when I stopped at a gas station on a major highway on a recent trip and they also didn’t have the wondrous nectar of Strawberry Kiwi, I began to get concerned. How could they run out of it? People on a highway need energy drinks! And they definitely need Strawberry Kiwi! It’s irresponsible of them not to have it. I nearly called my Congressman right then, but I didn’t have the energy for it and I thought talking on the phone would make me too thirsty.

 

When I got home (barely, due to the lack of Strawberry Kiwi), I looked on your website and found that you no longer seem to offer Strawberry Kiwi. How is this possible? Did we somehow run out of strawberries? Is there a kiwi cartel that is increasing prices? Why would you stop making what my stepdaughter and I consider to be one of the top drinks ever created? How could you DEW this?

Even worse, how could you leave flavors like Pineapple Orange Mango, Watermelon and Mango Lime on the market but take away Strawberry Kiwi? Has anyone ever purchased Pineapple Orange Mango? I have never witnessed it and frankly, I would be scared to taste that drink.

I enjoy your Midnight Grape flavor, but your website states that “Its combination of DEW, juice and caffeine means that when the day ends, you’re just getting started.” That’s fine, but I don’t like coffee so I was drinking Midnight Grape somewhat regularly in the mornings. Now, I am just going to feel foolish about it, like I should wait until night to drink it. I don’t want to sound uncool, but I have a hard time staying up late enough to drink Midnight Grape appropriately.

Incidentally, it also states on your website that Midnight Grape is 5 percent juice. So after I drink 20 cans of Midnight Grape, it’s like I have had a whole can of juice. I feel good about that.

 

And while we are on the subject of your website, I also wish to bring up a few other items.

First of all, your website lists many of your product names like MTN DEW and KICKSTASRT in all caps. Why are you DEWing that? It’s very annoying. I don’t regularly refer to myself as NICK. Why must I to refer to you by all caps? Are you hard of reading?

Your website also lists several sports celebrities and then provides a little information about them while showing them with a can of MTN DEW (please stop yelling). I want you to know that I love your Russell Westbrook commercials; they make me want to purchase your products.

I also love Kyrie Irving and am happy you have him as a spokesperson. I will buy any product he recommends. If I see him drinking Pineapple Orange Mango, I will try it.

At the same time, several of your other spokespeople are from athletic competitions that I am not as familiar with like skateboarding, snowboarding and fishing. I am sure these people are great, but I have no idea who they are.

If you are spending a lot of money on them to promote your products, why not instead spend a little less money on someone who plays rec softball and soccer, is part of an exclusive jogging club, is a historic basketball player (historic as in old) and has his own blog? In my last softball game, for example, I got a hit and scored each time I was up. Sure, we lost 23-3 and my ERA is around 57, but I am having a solid season! I think I would be a great spokesperson for your products.

I would be happy to promote DEW products for a reasonable fee and a lifetime supply of Strawberry Kiwi KICKSTART. Or maybe that fee and just a case you have left somewhere in your warehouse. Don’t you at least have a can of it left somewhere?

Finally, and most importantly, please bring back Strawberry Kiwi. It’s the right thing to DEW.

Yours Truly,

NICK CLAUSSEN

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