Interview with the cats

While staying at home due to the coronavirus pandemic, I decided to return to my journalistic roots and do some old-fashioned interviews to get to the heart of what is happening in the world.

I got out my trusty, dusty and somewhat crusty notebook, found a few subjects to interview and then asked the tough questions.

“How does all of this make you feel?” I asked my cat Glen. She and our other cat, Bubbles, were the only subjects I could get close enough to who would agree to be interviewed.

“I’m taking off the kid gloves in this interview, or kitten gloves in your case,” I told them before we started. “And none of this having your own tongue thing. You cats need to provide some answers.”

“That’s a stupid question,” Glen responded while trying to scratch me. “I hate that question about how it makes me feel. Why do you always ask that?”

“Fair enough. Ok then, Bubbles, what are your thoughts on the virus and everyone staying home all of the time?” I asked

“If anyone gets sick, I will sleep next to you or on you,” Bubbles said. “But don’t move your legs too much.”

“I’ll take care of you, too,” Glen added. “But you still need to feed me.”

“What do you think about our family members being home more often?’ I asked hoping to get a loving response.

“Are you?” Glen said. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“You’re kind of noisy during the afternoon when I am trying to get in my 5-hour nap,” Bubbles said. “Frankly, it’s pretty annoying. You should probably go back to doing whatever it is you normally do. What do you do anyway? I mean besides clean up hairballs and empty my litter box?”

“I’m actually a respected professional,” I told the cats. “I do important work that people value.”

“Then why aren’t you going to work now?” Glen asked.

“How many cats do you work with?” Bubbles added.

“Well, I’m still doing work from home. It’s just more difficult to do my job from home. It’s been quite a challenge, actually. And no, I don’t work with any cats at my job,” I said.

“Well, it can’t be very important then,” Bubbles said.

“I work from home, too,” Glen added. “It’s honestly not that hard. I don’t see why you’re complaining. Your work seems to mostly consist of moving that one black flat pillow around and then either putting it on a desk or your legs.”

“That pillow is my laptop computer. I don’t see why you insist on sitting on it,” I said to Glen. “I need it for my important work!”

“Your work is looking up videos and checking social media?” Bubbles said.

“No, that was just when I was on breaks,” I said. “Why are you two so judgmental toward me on this?”

“We’re cats. That’s what we do,” Glen said. “Plus, you’re kind of stupid.”

“Remember last week when we got him to eat a bunch of our hair that we left on the table? That was a good one,” Bubbles said. “Or when we tricked him into give us that ham? Good times.”

“OK, let’s get back to the interview. What do you think of how the country has responded to the crisis?” I asked my feline friends.

“Do the stores still have cat food? I heard there was a run on cat litter when this all started,” Glen said.

‘Why is that orange haired man on television all of the time? Does he know that orange cat that lives in our neighborhood? That cat is huge. It’s probably the biggest cat ever. Other cats are saying that they’ve never seen anything like that cat. He asked me one day if he wanted to go with him to catch mice, but I said I’d rather go down to the river. He yelled at me that I was involved in A FISH HUNT. A GREAT FISH HUNT! I never know what he’s talking about,” Bubbles said.

“Those are a lot of questions, but my most important answer is that yes, we have plenty of cat food,” I said.

“May we have some now then?” Bubble said.

“Yes, we need food now. Wet food preferably but any food will do. Just get it here quickly,” Glen added.

“All right then. Well, thank you for taking the time to talk with me about this important time. I will get you some more food, but is there anything else you want the readers to know before I get you your food?” I asked.

“Ow!” I exclaimed after Glen bit me. “So, nothing else from you, I guess, just that you’re hungry. How about you Bubbles?”

“Well, I want people to stay safe and to take care of themselves. Try to keep some social distancing from one another, try to stay hopeful and remember that we are gong to get through all of this together,” Bubbles said. “Be sure to reach out to your friends and family to check on how they are doing, be sure to spend time with your pets and what was that noise! Did you hear it! I’m out of here!”