When I woke up early this morning and jumped out of bed, I felt like I was ready to take on the world with song in my heart and a skip in my step.
“Ouch,” my song began. “That’s a lot of pain in my feet. And why do my legs hurt? That’s not so neat.” (I still need to work on the harmonies, but I think I’m off to a terrible start.)
More and more as I get older, I notice how getting up in the morning often hurts, how bending over to pick something up requires intricate planning, and how I make those “ooophhh” and ‘Umphff” noises way too often when I sit down.
Scientist have determined that these noises are made mostly by tennis players, world-class weight lifters and old farts like me who are sitting down.
I know I am not technically old yet, but here are a few examples of my oldie-moldy traits that are making me feel older:
- I love turning off lights in the house. To me, there are few things more satisfying than turning off lights that I have deemed as unneeded for the moment.
- I spend way too much time considering why others don’t turn off lights when they leave a room. Do they not know how to use the light switches? Are they leaving them on for the furniture?
- I see people running around playing Pokemon Go and I just don’t understand it. I am sure it is fun searching for Pokemon and Going, but I am not clear on what exactly the point is. Apparently, you want to catch Pokemon in order to get points so you can catch more Pokemon, but you never actually win, you just keep trying to catch more. Maybe they should call it Hoarding Go!
- While these games do look like fun, I am not one to think “Why aren’t these kids playing outside?” because I did the exact same thing when I was growing up and most of my friends did, too. We had handheld electronic “football” and “basketball” games that were awesome and I miss greatly. These “realistic” games were just blips of light you moved around on a screen, but I took my games everywhere and played them all the time, just like these Pokemon Goers.
- I don’t like the music on the radio very much, but I could listen to the music in the grocery store all day.
- I enjoy waving at people.
- A big weekend involves two or more naps.
- I am very concerned about the comfort level of my socks.
- I can’t sleep past 8 a.m. anymore. I hate this, as I used to love to sleep in, but now I feel like I need to get up and eat toast.
- When I do get up and eat toast, if I watch television, nearly all of the commercials are aimed at old people. If I see Kevin Nealon making terrible jokes while driving a golf cart on a commercial one more time, I am going to throw my spectacles.
- It also upsets me that is Kevin Nealon making commercials. How did he make a career out of the Hans and Franz bit and the Subliminal Thinking guy? Where has he been the last 20 years or so? He had some funny items, but how is he a star?
- I am very concerned about the weather.
- I like carrots.
- If I want to read anything, it has to be extremely close to my face or like 5 feet away.
- Similarly, the television is always too loud or too quiet.
- I often correct the grammar in songs I hear on the radio.
- I often interrupt my own sentences because I can’t remember what I was talking about.
- I spend way too much time trying to decide on the right price, size, strength, color, tying capacity and environmental impact of the trash bags I purchase. I can spend a good 30 minutes studying trash bags without making a decision until I either just buy the cheapest one or get distracted by something else, forget what I was doing and move onto the next aisle.
- I will now talk to myself whether I am alone or not. I don’t care if people see me talking or singing to myself now and think I am weird. Hopefully they will just leave me alone.
While I often feel old, though, there is no way I would want to be young again. I liked high school and college and had a lot of fun, but I was also way too insecure, was nervous around nearly everyone, said stupid things constantly (now I just write stupid things) and obsessed over what people thought of me.
As I grew older, I had fun, but still did stupid things in my 20s and 30s. I also worked too many hours and was still too worried about what people thought of me. Also, going through a divorce was no picnic.
That reminds me, I also hate picnics now that I am older. Why do I want to eat in the hot sun either in the grass or some disgusting picnic table that has had about a million people sitting on it, birds pooping on it and probably has a wasp nest or poison ivy underneath it? And why is the catsup and mustard so runny at picnics? It always makes such a mess!
And why do people want to spell catsup now as ketchup?
And why am I so cranky?
Despite being cranky, I actually like being older. I’ve learned to not do things that I don’t want to do, which is a lesson I wish I would have learned much earlier in life, and I enjoy my days (which now thankfully end around 10:30 p.m.)
I’ve also learned that while I still tend to obsess on what people think of me, I finally understand that they probably aren’t thinking about me at all as most people are lost in their own thoughts. Now I obsess on trying to figure out ways to get them to think about me.
And finally, I have a pretty good life. I don’t have much money or fame, but I have a great family, fun friends and a nice job. I still get to play rec softball and soccer in my town, and I get to jog regularly. It often makes me super sore when I wake up in the morning, but it’s worth it as long as it gets me going on another day and gets me started toward toast.
I love toast.