I’ll say it so you don’t have to

Often at the end of a long day, I will turn to my wife or the children and let them know that I am thinking the same thing they are.

“You’re welcome,” I say quietly.

They usually pretend to not know what I am talking about, but I know they must be thinking, “Thank you, Nick, for being such a great and cool husband/father/stepfather/pet owner/neighbor/writer/co-worker/athlete/model citizen/Muppets fan.”

I don’t mean to brag, but there’s really no way around it. I am pretty amazing.

At home, for example, my family members love my sense of humor, especially when I notice how funny it is when other people hurt themselves. They also enjoy it when one of the kids will say, “I’m going go to my room,” and I will reply with a stern “Go to your room!” That joke has been popular for years, lucky kids.

I enjoy the classic Dad/Stepdad jokes, and I know the kids and especially their friends appreciate them, too.

The other day for example, someone in the kitchen asked if I had a fork, so I sang back, “I got a fork right here, his name is Paul Revere and this man says that if the weather’s clear. Can do. Can do. This man says the fork can do,” and everyone loved it even if they had no idea what old song I was referencing. I do that a lot lately, and sometimes I’m not even sure if I am singing in my head or out loud.

You are welcome.

I also realize that my friends and coworkers tend to live vicariously through me so I figure they need to hear everything I’m doing and thinking, including about the annoying songs that are stuck in my head (That old and terrible “I like bread and butter, I like toast and jam” song is in there today) and how much I enjoy these little powder caffeine packs that you mix with water (I talk about these more than you might expect).

You are welcome.

My soccer game from last week is another nice example of my amazingness. I was playing goalie and was, of course, shutting the other team out completely. Some may say this was due to the fact that my teammates were controlling the game so that the other team never got any shots, but I realized that the other team was just too scared of me to even try score.

I wanted my teammates to have some exciting plays, though, so I was kind enough to not go after the ball several times when I “should” have. This forced players like my friend Kell to make a near bicycle kick (more like a tricycle kick, but still very cool) and Doug to use his surprising speed to keep the other team from getting wide-open shots.

Along the same lines, when I finally did kick the ball, I ended up kicking it to the other team most of the time.

You are most definitely welcome, both teams.

Also, today, and promise this is true, I was crossing the street in my town and saw a bus parked along the road. As I drew closer, I noticed the bus was starting to go, but was waiting for me to cross. I thought that was very nice of the driver and perhaps a little rude of me to be in the way, so I gave a friendly wave of thanks.

Then, of course, the bus stopped and the driver opened the door, expecting that I would be getting on, because why else would I have waved at him? I had not considered this until then, and I briefly considered just riding the bus somewhere anyway in order to save face.

Instead, I stupidly said, “Sorry, I was just being friendly,” and I gave him kind of a Gomer Pyle smile.

He looked at me kind of strangely, shut the door quickly and drove off. Meanwhile, I went about my day, doing my best to spread cheer and happiness.

You are welcome Mr. Bus Driver and everyone else on the road that I am helping with my friendliness.

Finally, I spend a lot of time doing the little things that don’t get as much attention, such as touching all of the stove tops before I go to work and/or to go sleep (I rarely go to sleep at work), lining up shoes correctly in the house, parking far away from the front door of stores so as not to take up needed spaces, talking to squirrels, straightening shelves in the grocery store while shopping, and improving the lyrics of songs the children are listening to on the radio (“Shut Up and Dance With Me” is terrible and should be “Please lower your voice and dance to the music with me, but only if you want to and only if a lot of other people are dancing because I wouldn’t want to stand out dancing by ourselves”).

It’s a lot of work, but someone has got to do it.

You are welcome.

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