Top 5 Rules for the Movie Theater

I enjoy going to the movies, but there are several rules that must be followed in order to make the experience enjoyable. I should add that it goes without saying that you should not see scary movies. Ever. Or movies that seem sad. Or movies with Keanu Reeves. Or sad movies with Keanu Reeves (although how could you tell if he was sad or not?).

Here then, are the Top 5 Rules for the Movie Theater.

5. Don’t sit near strangers – If the theater is not super crowded, it is important to leave at least one seat between you and a stranger. This allows you to comfortably set down your drink and it preserves important personal space. If possible, leave at least two seats. And if you are just going with friends and not on a date, I’d recommend leaving a seat between you and your friends, too. It’s always good to have extra space. Incidentally, my wife and I think it would be funny to go to a movie theater with just two people in it, and then just sit right next to them for no reason.

4. Check your phone at least 5 times before the movie and three times during– You must check numerous times to make sure the sound is down all the way and to insure that you are not missing any important texts, emails or scores. Is it still turned down? Is it still turned down? What was the score? I better check the sound to make sure I didn’t mess it up when I checked the score! Is it still turned down?

3. Be careful of popcorn butter grease – I love buttered popcorn, but that butter/grease can soak through the popcorn bag and get onto your pants so it looks like you wet them. Trust me on this one. And don’t just go into the washroom to try to wash it out, because it just spreads it out and makes it look worse. Trust me again. And don’t do all of this on a date. I’d rather not talk about this anymore.

2. Only sit on the aisle or in the bottom row – If I can’t get out easily, it’s hard to enjoy a movie. I know I will have to get up to go to the restroom, answer important texts or check the scores (especially if the movie gets to scary, sad or boring), and I don’t want to have to walk over a bunch of people on the way out and back in. And if I have to get up a second or third time during the movie, I have to spend a lot of time to make up clever excuses for the people in my row whose feet I am stepping on. “Sorry, NASA keeps calling me, something about needing my help to stop an asteroid,” or “Excuse me, I’m an inspector from the film industry here to make sure these aisle are wide enough. I’ll tell Agent 99 that this one is a little narrow. Sorry about your toe, I’m just doing what the boss tells me here.”

1. Don’t eat your food until the movie starts – You must not eat your snacks or drink your drinks while you are waiting for the show to start! You buy it for the movie, so you don’t want to waste it by eating all or most of it before the movie. It would be like going on a picnic but then eating all of the food in the car on the way there! It’s  all right to open the food early so you don’t make noise when the movie starts, but you can’t eat any until the movie officially begins. None! And no, the previews do not count!

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