An ode to the crawl space

It’s dark, dirty and uncomfortable, but at least it’s filled with bugs and spider webs

Over the last 20 years or so, I have spent an awful lot of time crawling around in crawlspaces.

And yes, in most cases, it was an awful time.

Every time before I start, I think, “This won’t be too bad. I bet this will go easily today” and then I jump in, or fall in as the case may be, and then my thought process goes something like this:

It sure is dark down here.

There, now I have some light. That’s better.

What was that!

Oh right, my shadow. Nothing to worry about at all down here, except for spiders or bugs or mice or raccoons or serial killers wearing hockey masks who are probably hiding back in that corner over there! I hate coming down here.

I sure am glad I have these protective glasses and this mask so I don’t breathe in too much dust or insulation or get things in my eyes, though. No serial killer will be able to hurt me with these glasses on.

These protective glasses are actually kind of nice. I might start wearing them during the day even when I have my contacts in. That way I could take off my glasses dramatically if I am trying to make an important point, but I could still see.

“Now wait just a minute!” I would say and take off my fake protective glasses with one hand. “This is an outrage!”

I really get some great ideas down here in this crawlspace!

What’s that on my face?

Oh, whew, it’s just a spider web on my mouth.

Now then, where was I? Oh yes, crawling around in this giant spider cave. What a super Saturday!

Actually, it’s really not that bad down here. It’s cool in the summer, it’s pretty quiet and no one is here to bug me, except, of course, for all of the bugs and that serial killer in that dark corner.

Maybe I should start coming down here more often just to read or do things that require solitude like working on my novel or learning to rap.

I bet the internet works well down here. Why don’t we use this space more often?

Ow, I hit my head.

Oh, and my knees are starting to hurt again, too.

What’s that? Whew, it’s just insulation falling on me.

Also, I can’t breathe in this stupid mask. I know it is supposed to protect my lungs, but if I can’t breathe or am super hot, isn’t that worse for me? I’m not wearing it anymore and I don’t care who knows it! I’ll just put it on before I go back out so my wife and family think I wore it.

Well, I got a few things done over here, now I have to just crawl back over here under this heating duct and reach over here.

It seems like I am forgetting something.

Oh yeah, now I remember, I left that tool I need way over there so now I have to crawl back under the heating duct again. Arrgghh!

Oh yeah, now I also remember that I’m somewhat claustrophobic and it seems to be getting tighter and tighter under this awful heating duct.

Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.

Roll. Roll. Roll.

Whew, made it to the tool.

Ow, rolled into one of the supports of the house. Do these things really hold up the whole house? How does that work? That seems pretty scary. I hope I didn’t mess it up when I rolled into it.

Now I understand why my mom never wanted me to run, skateboard or jump in the house when I was little, or when I was visiting her last month.

What’s that on my head? Is it a mouse?

No, it’s just dust and possibly some old rusty nails. Whew.

This insulation looks so soft. I think I would like to just lie down on it for a while to rest. That can’t be bad for me can it? I am super tired.

Also, I can’t see with these stupid glasses. They keep fogging up. What good are glasses I can’t see out of?

Who started the protective glasses business anyway? It seems like a scam. Sure, we’ll sell you glasses, but they don’t really do anything except kind of protect your eyes. That will be $20. Can I get some placebo pills too?

Somewhere there is probably someone who makes much more money than I do who just does fittings with these fake protective glasses.

“Which one looks exactly the same as your usual vision? Number one, here, or number two? One, or, two? One? (dramatic pause while the fake eye doctor slowly takes off his or her fake glasses and dangles the glasses near his or her lips)”Or two?”

What was that? Did I break a water line? Is a mouse peeing on me?

Whew, it’s jut water running through a pipe. Someone must be in the kitchen. What are they doing up there? Do they remember I’m down here? I bet they forgot all about me. The world is just going on up there while I am down here dying of thirst.

I should think about putting a mini-fridge down here. That would be awesome. Sitting in the crawlspace drinking a grape pop! That’s living.


It’s getting harder to crawl and roll around down here.


That’s a long way to reach. I am tired. Why does crawling make me so tired?

Ow, hit my head again.

Why is this crawlspace so short?

Why do I make so many old man noises?


Why did we ever want to do anything in this crawlspace in the first place?

Almost done. Thank the Lord. If I have to spend much more time down here, I’m going to go crazy. It is hot now and my lungs are filled with dirt and insulation. Get me out of here!

What’s that I hear? Are the kids fighting upstairs? What’s that I smell? Is someone cooking artichokes?

Maybe I’ll stay down here a little longer after all. This insulation makes a nice pillow, except that it has something strange in it.

Urrgghhhh.. What is that? And now it’s on my hands! And now I just rubbed by face with my hands! Ewww. Get me out of here. Get me out of here. Get me out of here!

Ahhh, daylight and I can breathe again. Whew.

I am never going down there again! Wait! Where is my cell phone? Argghhh! I must have left it in there! And now I can’t see anything without my fake glasses! I hate the crawl space!

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