What’s worse than being sick while also having sharp stomach pains?
Being stuck at work while you are sick with sharp stomach pains, of course.
That happened to me the other day, and while I was lying in misery on the floor of my office, I thought, ‘This would be great to write about!”
So now that I feel better and have had time to reflect on this and other incidents of getting sick at different workplaces over the years, I present to you just a few of the things that run through your mind while you are sick at work.
- I will just sit back for a few minutes and hopefully I will feel better soon.
- I will just lie down here on the floor for a few minutes and hopefully I will feel better soon.
- Maybe I need to turn over. I am not feeling any better.
- I wish I were home.
- I wish I could throw up.
- I wish I could throw up at home.
- I am never eating bananas or roadhouse sandwiches again! (Those two items caused bad sicknesses and stomach pains for me on separate occasions.)
- Water and unsalted saltines, that’s all I am going to eat from now on. Maybe a raisin or two, but that’s it.
- Why did I eat a “roadhouse” sandwich when I had no idea what was in it? And after I didn’t like the first few bites, why did I try a few more?
- Why would I think a sandwich would “get better” the more I ate it? I am a moron.
- Is it named “roadhouse” because it feels like a Patrick Swayze Roadhouse kick to my stomach?
- He sure could kick in that movie.
- My stomach hurts like crazy.
- My ceiling looks really high up from down here.
- Is this what the world looks like to dogs and cats? I must look like a giant to them.
- I bet Patrick Swayze could kick the ceiling in here.
- Maybe I will eat carrots when I feel better, and maybe doughnuts, but none with custard! Uhhgg, just thinking about custard is making me feel sick again.
- Why do I eat things if I don’t know what they are? It’s like I paid $5 to eat some random sandwich I found outside.
- My dog has more sense than me with eating and he eats cat poop.
- And now I feel even more like I have to throw up.
- Please, Please, no one knock on my door.
- What if I die here? That would be a terrible way to go.
- “Did you hear about Nick? Died in his office. Yep, on the floor. He had like 300 sick hours built up, but was working anyway. He sure was dedicated. Yeah, I agree, that’s stupid. Can I have his parking pass?”
- I hope there is nothing embarrassing on my computer screen that the paramedics or my boss might see when they come in to take me to the hospital. I can see the headlines now, “Local man dies after reading the latest news about Beyonce!”
- Can you believe she is having twins? I bet she won’t ever let her children eat roadhouse sandwiches.
- If I throw up, am I better off throwing up into the trash can or to just open the window?
- Or is it more appropriate to use the recycling container?
- Maybe I will eat popcorn, too and maybe Chex Mix. Say, there’s a stray piece of Chex Mix under my desk!
- I wonder if it’s safe to eat? I might as well, what have I got to lose?
- I need to vacuum in here.
- I sure wish I had a pillow. I should bring one in just in case this happens again. I’m sure no one would think that was weird if I just walked in with a pillow one day.
- Do I need to take sick time for the time I am spending on the floor?
- I would pay $50 for two antacid pills right now.
- So that’s where that pen went.
- Someday I want to have an office that has a sofa in it.
- I guess I’m lucky I’m not in some important meeting. What would I say?
“Kell, point of order here. I am going to lie down on the floor next to the table. No, I can’t walk out right now. My stomach hurts too much to move that far. If Gloria there can just move her chair over a little. That’s it. I feel much better with my head resting against this file cabinet. Thanks, Please continue.”
- “Also, can someone bring a trashcan over here or even just a plastic bag? Thanks. Excellent points everyone. I completely agree. Don’t think of my moaning or throwing up as any commentary on your proposals. Please continue.”
- I need softer carpet in my office.
- What am I going to say when I finally get up and leave the office? I look terrible.
- “Whew, I sure was working hard on those files! Didn’t realize I had gotten so sweaty!”
- Well, I‘m finally starting to feel a little better, but now I am feeling really weak and tired. I will just sit here for a little bit and read more about Beyonce.
- Come to think of it, now I’m a little hungry again, but I don’t have anything in here to eat. Maybe I should get up and see if I can find some leftovers in the office refrigerator…