While much of the sports world has been debating the merits NBA star Kyrie Irving’s surprising request for a trade, I have decided to also request a trade.
Irving is one of my favorite players, and I’m sure that he would agree that I am just doing what is best for my brand. I need to look out for my family and my legacy, and right now that means doing what is best for Nick Claussen.
I have few simple requests:
First, I would like to be traded to a blog where I can be more of a star. I know that I got my start here at nickclaussen.com and I have an opportunity to be popular here, but Nick Claussen needs more than nickclaussen.com can offer right now. At this point in my career, I need to think about marketability and branching out into commercials, movies, comic books and, if everything goes well, commercials for comic book movies.
To get to the next step in my career, I also need to be traded to a website that has the opportunity to win some titles, or at least one that can help me think up better titles for my posts. I appreciate everything that nicklaussen.com has done for me, but places like The New York Times, ESPN.com, The Washington Post or even notthatyouaskedit.wordpress.com (a great blog) would really help my legacy.
I would also like to land a shoestring contract. Not many stars have these, and it shows that I think outside the box, or outside the shoebox, you might say. I would be happy to wear only the shoestrings of some of the popular brands, or perhaps I can develop my own unique shoestring, and sell it with my new Blog Baller Brand.
I need some other talent traded in to help me, too. The other columnists can’t be too good, as I want to the best writer and I want to be the star, but they also can’t be too bad, as I need help for when I can’t think of ideas or I have an injured fingernail and can’t type. It needs to be the perfect blend of being great, but not as great as me. That shouldn’t be too tough. I also need someone who can compliment my writing skills on a blog. And yes, I meant compliment.
I cannot give you the details of my current blog contract (because I can’t find it), but I can tell you it will definitely fit within any economic constraints of any sites that trade for me. I will want to make more money than nickclaussen.com currently offers (that won’t be too difficult) and a long-term contract, but I also will likely request another trade in a year or two, so please keep that in mind.
Oh yeah, and I’d like to have nice weather. I don’t want to move me or my family, though, I just want the weather to be nicer here where I live.
We’ve done some great things here at nickclaussen.com and I appreciate all of the fans and all they have done for me, especially those fans who keep me cool in the hot summer months. I hope you know that asking for this trade was extremely difficult for me, as I would have rather just demanded the trade.
I hope that if I am traded, you will enjoy whatever writer is brought in next (Sean Spicer?) to lead nickclaussen.com into the future. I also hope that you will continue to purchase my jerseys, books and shoestrings, whether Nick Claussen stays at nickclaussen.com or Nick Claussen takes his talents to another site.
Finally, I cannot stress enough that no matter what happens with this trade, I do thank you and hope that nickclaussen.com will put up a statue in my honor and retire my keyboard sometime in the future.