Trump’s phone style works great in real life; it’s the best style ever

Phone call photoIn order to make everything great again great (megag), I have decided that it would be best to emulate our country’s top leader when making my own phone calls. And since the President’s phone conversations to foreign leaders have been printed in some amazing articles, I have also decided to release my own transcripts.

“Hello, I would like to order a pizza.”
What type of pizza?”
“I’m the world’s greatest person who eats pizza, but I do not want onions. They are the worst. Awful onions, everyone calls them that. Awful onions.”
“Ok, but what do you want?”
“I would like a bigly pizza. Huuuugggge, and no Awful Onions. Everyone’s talking about it.”
“Um, I’ll put that down as a large. What do you want on it?”
“Let me tell you about this pizza I had in 1989. I was at a college party with some really beautiful people, the best people really. You should have seen it. You’ve probably heard about it. I was there with Tom, Sam, Bill, Jim, Dave, Steve, people like that. And one of them said, ‘Hey we should get a pizza’ and then we ordered the most beautiful pizza you have ever seen. You would not believe how this pizza was put together. You know what I mean. I learned a lot from that pizza. I’m telling you, it was the greatest pizza ever. You would have loved it.”
“So what do you want?”
“I want all of you pizza places in town to stop ripping off the people of our city. It’s the greatest city ever, but we’re being killed by these unfair pizza prices. We need a fair deal on pizzas and I can’t have you making me look like a dope here. You got that? Ok, beautiful. How about this? I’ll make my own pizza and then you are going to pay me for it, got it? You be here in 30 minutes or less or you owe me $50. It’s a great deal. You’re not going to get any better than that. Thanks.”

———————————————————————————————-

“Hello, I need help with some plumbing at my house.”
“What seems to be the problem?
“It’s these *&#* *@#* leaks. I can’t stop the leaks in my pipes.”
“All right, we can come out and look at them. When would be a good time?”
“You need to kill all of the leaks right now! Kill the leaks. Where do you think they’re coming from? If you find any of them, you tell me where they are and I will kill them. I hate leaks. Kill all the leaks!”
“Are the pipes in your basement or crawl space? We will go down there and check.”
“In my crawl space, but it’s a bug infested den. You’ll never believe how bad it is. It’s worse than New Hampshire.”
“All right, we’ll be out next Wednesday.”
“Great, great, you are going to do a beautiful job. Thanks for your work on this. Oh, but one other thing I just thought of.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re fired. We need to go in a different direction. We need to get this pipe problem fixed, and you’re just not doing a good enough job, so I’m going to get another plumber. Thanks for your service to my perfectly calm house. It’s probably the greatest house ever with the best pipes in the world. Everyone loves it. You’ve done a wonderful job. You’re welcome.”

———————————————————————————————-

“Hello, is this the grocery store? I need to talk to you about one of your products.”
“This is the store, what can we do to help you?”
“It’s about this milk you sold me last month. It tastes terrible and I would like you to give me some new milk.”
“Well, sir, milk spoils after so many days. You need to drink it by a certain date.”
“I don’t follow the conventional wisdom of your milk elites. My family selected me to shop at the store recently, and it was the largest margin of victory for anyone to ever be voted on to go to the store, and they want me to make decisions from my gut. I bought this milk, and I expect it to be the greatest milk ever. You should have seen it when I got home from the store. The whole family came out to greet me and help me carry groceries inside. It was the largest group ever to carry groceries in. Nobody expected it, but that’s why I was chosen to get the groceries.”
“What are you talking about sir?”
“Where did you buy this milk? Who are your local milk people?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do they even use real cows? Is this a case of fake moos? I hate fake moos. It’s all fake moos.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Listen, I have already talked to a plumber, the pizza place and my toothbrush today and this is the most unpleasant conversation I have had. If you can’t provide proper milk, I am going to shop at the mall next time. I promised my family a big beautiful mall, the greatest mall you’ve ever seen. My neighbors, they have terrible milk. Why aren’t you asking them about their bad milk? And what about their Awful Onions? Why is no one asking about that? All right, thank you very much. You’re beautiful and I appreciate all of the wonderful things you have said about me. I’m the greatest person to ever call you, is that what you said? Thanks that’s what I’ll tell everyone.”

 

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