It was a dark and scary Halloween night, and I was in my backyard when a cool wind blew and sent a shiver down my back.
“This just feels wrong,” I thought to myself. “Why didn’t I wear a shirt? It’s freezing out here.”
I went back inside and put on a shirt and then looked at the time. It was getting close to trick-or-treat time and I needed to prepare to hand out candy to the neighborhood children.
As I got the Dum Dums and chocolates ready, I heard a howling in the distance. I tried to ignore it, but the howling continued and I started to feel a little anxious. Finally, I let the dog in the back door so he would quit howling and then gave him a treat. He’s such a good boy!
After that, I went out to the front sidewalk and started passing out candy to the costumed children.
After about 15 minutes, an orange-haired man in a suit walked up my sidewalk.
“Trick or Tweet,” he said. “Put some candy into this huuuge bag.”
“Why are you just walking around asking for candy? You don’t even have a costume on,” I replied.
“I have the greatest costume ever,” he said. “All of your neighbors told me that it’s the best they have ever seen. All of these other costumes are boring and everyone loves mine. Now admit I have the best costume and give me your best candy.”
“But look at that child who is dressed like a cow,” I said. “That’s a great costume, and it looks much better than yours.”
“It’s terrible and that kid doesn’t even sound like a cow. It’s nothing but fake moos,” he said. “You should ignore it.”
“Ok, then, what about this Frankenstein costume coming up the sidewalk, isn’t that better than yours?” I said.
“Definitely not, no one likes Frankenberry over there. Besides the shade of green that child is using isn’t even right, and the black for the hair is the wrong color, too. It’s lame colors, nothing but fake hues.”
And that’s how our discussion over costumes went for several minutes.
“It’s a great costume of an injured guy wrapped up in casts and bandages,” I said.
“No, it’s a lie, a fake bruise,” he said.
“How about that bomb costume?”
“It’s not real, it’s got a fake fuse.”
“What about that kangaroo costume?”
“It’s terrible, no one likes fake roos.”
“How about that ghost costume?”
“It’s ok, but the voice is all wrong. Fake boos.”
“What about those kids dressed up as group of pool balls? See how the 8-ball is right in front of you?”
“That one ball looks terrible, the same with the stick. Those are fake cues.”
‘All right then, what about these sheep costumes”
“What about those kids dressed up like nerds?”
“More fake yous. Get it? It’s because you’re a nerd.”
“Well played, but how about those ghostbusters and their slime?”
“So you don’t think any of the other costumes are better than yours?”
“I have the greatest costume ever, everyone says that. Look at these huge crowds of people following me around trying to give me candy. Everyone loves my costume!”
“I don’t see anyone following you around. That kid dressed up like a bottle of paste has more people following him around.”
“My crowd is much larger. That kid you’re talking about is nothing but fake glues.”
“Fine, everything that you don’t like is fake, and everything you do is the greatest thing ever, is that what you’re saying?”
“That’s what everyone is saying. I have the best costume and the scariest costume at Halloween. You need to give me the rest of your candy.”
“But you already have a bag full of candy anyway. Why do you need more?”
“Because the more candy you give me, the more likely I will be to give candy to other people. It’s simple, the only way that everyone can have some candy is if you give most of it to me.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. That’s the worst plan ever.”
“It’s a great plan and I have the greatest costume. Now give me all of your candy and I’ll be on my way.”
“Fine, I’ll give you some candy, but first you need to tell me how dressing up in a suit and tie is a costume. I’m wearing a tie and I’m not asking for candy. What makes your costume so great?”
“I’m dressed up as the President,” he said.
“Ok you win, that is the scariest costume out here,” I replied and I dumped some candy into his bag and went back inside, where my faithful dog was happily chewing on my favorite slippers, which are really just fake shoes.