Avengers: Endgame: The Column

Now that Avengers: Endgame is finally almost here, we are bound to see plenty of pointless articles about the movie in order to draw in readers.

This is one of them. I will do whatever it takes to get more readers.

Whatever it takes.

I do, though, have several important comments and questions about the movie before it finally gets here and dominates the media and the box office.

• After the movie, Thanos should be a spokesperson for sofa/mattress outlet stores that have half-off sales. In fact, I think any half-off sale should now be referred to as a “Thanos sale.”
• If Avengers: Endgame is really three hours long, how am I going to go that long without looking at my phone?
• Did you see that people are paying thousands of dollars for tickets for early showings of the movie? That would really Thanos my bank account, if you know what I mean.
• This is the biggest movie event of the year, possibly for a few years, but I don’t know if I want to sit in a packed theater to see the movie on the opening weekend. If I were to spend thousands of dollars on an Avengers ticket,  I would prefer to buy a lot of normal priced tickets a few nights after the movie opens so that I could make sure my theater would not be so crowded.
• How much popcorn will I need for a three-hour movie? I can Thanos a bag of popcorn in about 10 minutes.
• We need to use the term “Endgame” more now that the movie is here. Dessert should be referred to as the Endgame of the meal. “Would you like more chicken? No, we’re in the Endgame now. Let’s have cake.”
• If you told me I had to go to a three-hour meeting, school event, wedding or even a baseball game, I would think, “Ug, how am I going to sit there for so long? Why would they make this last for three hours? It will probably hurt my back.” For this movie, though, I don’t care how long it will be. I will gladly get there early so I can sit even longer.
• I still remember how excited I was when I first heard that “The Avengers” movie was going to come out in 1998! I was equally disappointed when I learned it was about an English spy agency and was based on an old television show. Even worse was when I actually saw the movie and it seemed terrible.
• When I was growing up, I often bought comic book adaptions of famous movies and television shows. I proudly had a giant sized “Welcome Back, Kotter” comic book, along with a “King Kong” comic and a few others. Today, they make movie and television adaptions of comic books. It’s interesting how things can change. The next step is to make comic book adaptions of the movie adaptions of the comic books.
• After Thanos collected the Soul Stone, Time Stone and other Infinity Stones, I imagine he went to relax in his Brownstone.
• I have never been one to wait in long lines for events like this movie. The only long lines for events that I have ever waited in were for a concert and to buy a ham. That ham line stretched outside of the store and halfway around the building. It was the craziest thing, but we all stood there to buy ham. I wish that line could have been Thanos’d so it would have been shorter.
• Even worse, I didn’t even end up attending the concert. Also, I don’t really like ham.
• Imagine how depressed bloggers must be in the Avengers: Endgame world right now. Not only did they lose friends and family, they lost half of their followers! Thanos must pay!
• We’re in the Endgame of this column now, so I will make a few predictions.
• First, the movie will be great and I will eat too much popcorn.
• The movie adaption of the comic book adaption of the “Welcome Back, Kotter” television show will be made in a few years and when the critics say it is terrible I will tell them, “Up your nose with a rubber hose.”
• Finally, and most importantly, I won’t drink any water for at least 4 hours before I go to see Avengers:Endgame, but I will still have to go to the bathroom at least twice. I will do whatever it takes to get a seat near the aisle. Whatever it takes.