America, it’s time for a change.
Currently, many people in the country and throughout the world enjoy reading acclaimed columns in a wide range of blogs, newspapers, websites and magazines. These articles are often written by authors who are regarded “insightful,” “funny” or “good spellers.” Or “people who don’t write sentence fragments.”
All of these people are not Nick Claussen.
Nick Claussen doesn’t worry about being labeled as “grammatically incorrect” by the “Washington insiders” who “use a lot of quotation marks.” No, Nick Claussen only worries about one thing when he writes, Nick Claussen.
Check that, he also worries about you, the reader. So, I guess that’s actually two things. And if he somehow has more than one reader out there, well, I guess that means he worries about more than two things. I would go so far as to say that he worries about up to five things.
Nick Claussen works for his reader(s) every day, or at least whenever he can think of something to write about and has a few minutes to jot down a few thoughts.
Do you think that this is how the “other writers” work? No, these often “famous” and “well-paid” writers put in long hours writing about topics other than Nick Claussen!
They are often writing columns and essays that are well-researched, painstakingly edited and written carefully so that no words are wasted and no modifiers are misplaced.
Not Nick Claussen!
His writing is so carefree and simple that even the smartest word detective in the world could decipher it upside down while being chased by a dinosaur riding in a European car from Cleveland even though it is extinct!
Meanwhile, other writers ask their readers to do things like “think” or “consider different ways of looking at the world.” These “experienced authors” are often paid handsomely to give their opinions on television, in newspapers, in magazines and throughout the world wide internet.
Not Nick Claussen! He doesn’t pander to anyone because he has no real expertise. And as someone who is not well-respected at all, he doesn’t need to worry about protecting any sort of professional reputation or losing favor with powerful insiders. As you can tell, he’ll write about any idea that pops into his head without worrying about if it makes sense, offends the powers-that-be or even confuses that powers-that-don’t-be.
Nick Claussen shoots straight from the hip! And really, isn’t that the best place to shoot from? Who cares about aim?
Nick Claussen pledges to stand by you, the reader(s), with his writing while also standing by those who are not fortunate enough to read his work yet. That’s a lot of standing, but that’s what Nick Claussen does.
He stands for people and things!
Meanwhile, the “other writers” believe you should read their work because they have earned advanced degrees, gained experience in the business world, written great novels or have accomplished great things. Blah, blah, blah.
But can they get a hit in a clutch situation in slow-pitch softball? Probably, but only Nick Claussen can prove he can! (Note: there is no actual proof, but trust Nick Claussen, he was killing the ball in his softball league this summer!).*
Can they say they hurt their knee really badly today when they walked straight into a fire hydrant for no apparent reason? I don’t think so, but Nick Claussen can! It hurt like crazy, too, and it felt really stupid because all kinds of people saw Nick Claussen do it.
Can these “beloved writers” really relate to real life? Can you trust them to provide you with words of wisdom, nuggets of knowledge or granolas of goodness in times of turmoil and torment? I bet they don’t even know what granolas of goodness are!
Nick Claussen is a real person, just like many of you!
Finally, it’s important to remember that these “other writers” have been popular for a long time now while Nick Claussen has remained in relative obscurity, and look at the state of the world today!
Simple logic says that it’s time for Nick Claussen!
In these times, we need a writer who will express his right to write right, (right-handed, too).
We need. No, we demand! No, I was right the first time! We need Nick Claussen!
* Note: Writers Terry Smith and Kaleb Carter have also gotten clutch hits in the past in slow-pitch softball (thanks in a large part to the outstanding managerial assistance of Nick Claussen!) and we endorse their columns of consternation and confidence.
This message was approved by Nick Claussen. Please feel free to add positive comments about Nick Claussen below.