As part of my continuing study of how people react very differently to the exact same situation, I posed the same question to a series of people in order to see how they would respond.
For today’s study, I simply asked for directions. Here are the completely scientific responses:
Cheerleader – Turn to the left, turn to the right, go for two miles, fight, fight, fight.
Robert Frost – Take this road until you get into the woods. When you get there, it gets a little tricky because all of a sudden the road will split into two roads for no good reason. You are going to want to take both of them, believe me, but you can’t. Sigh. My advice is that you should stare at them both for a while and then take the road that looks like it is not driven on very often. It will make all of the difference.
Voice Activated Service on my phone – Here is a list of famous directors.
Politician – My opponent would tell you to take the toll road that will cost you your hard-earned money and will take precious time away from your family. My opponent doesn’t know what it’s like to be responsible for taking your family from one place to another. No, my opponent only worries about lobbyists and fat cat friends. I, on the other hand, have a tremendous plan for getting you to your destination. I am not yet prepared to release it, though, but check back with me in a few weeks. Now, how about a photo?
My cat – Why are you bothering me?
A corporate IT technician – Have you tried restarting your trip? Maybe if you turn your car off and back on that will work to get you where you want to go.
Any man – Why are you asking for directions? I am sure you can figure it out.
Super villain – Take this street south for about two miles (points to a one-way street that goes north and then laughs maniacally).
Any teenager – It’s fine. When do we eat?
Beyonce – To the left, to the left. Everyone in your group goes straight for one mile and then turns to the left. You must not know ‘bout directions. You must not know ’bout directions.
Country singer – I’d take you there myself, but my wife just left me and drove off in my pickup with my old dog, Blue.
R.E.M. – If you are confused, check with the sun. Carry a compass to help you along. (Note: R.E.M gives terrible directions. They basically just want you to face north, then west and then north again.)
My wife – Why didn’t you ask 50 miles ago?
Bad poet –
To get to the place where you are feeling your call,
Travel down the street and then stop at the mall.
Enter through the door painted white,
Take four steps and turn to your right.
You will find the restroom there, it’s right down the hall.
Soap opera character – I (pause) don’t want you to leave (pours a drink and then sips it in a very attractive manner). Damn it Nick! (throws down the drink) You can’t leave now, not when I’m about to take over the family fortune! All right, I’ll give you the information you need (takes off glasses), but there is something I need from you first (stares at the wall for a long time).
nickclaussen.com 
Ha ha ha! I like them all, but most of all the super villain and the soap opera character.
Here is how a character from a Greek soap opera wouldn’t give you directions at all:
You: Excuse me! Which is the way to (let’s say) Acropolis (because you are in Athens)
Character: (turns head slowly and stares at you, as if they haven’t heard you – dramatic music begins softly) What?
You: I’m trying to find my way to the Acropolis.
Ch: (still staring) To where?
You: The Acropolis
Ch: The Acropolis?
You: Yes, the Acropolis.
Ch: By saying Acropolis, you mean the Acropolis?
You: Yes. I mean the Acropolis.
Ch: This Acropolis here?
You: Yes, unnamed character. This Acropolis here.
Ch: And you are asking me the way to the Acropolis? (dramatic music goes up)
You: Yes, I am asking you the way to the Acropolis.
Ch: Are you kidding me? Are you really asking me the way to the Acropolis?
You: Yes. I am really asking you the way to the Acropolis.
Ch: You mean you don’t know the way to the Acropolis? (looks appalled – dramatic music booms)
With dialogues like this you never make it to the Acropolis but you can go on writing episodes for years.
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Thanks! And the Greek soap opera character is awesome. It makes me pretty curious about your soap operas, and makes me think you should be a writer for one of them, too! The dramatic music is a great touch.
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Thanks! Unfortunately (ha ha) we don’t have soap operas any more. There used to be two in the 90s, made by the same producer: Lampsi (Shine) and Kalimera, Zoe (Good morning, life). Lampsi was about a rich family, whose members have secrets, schemes, plans, fornication out of marriage and illegitimate children who appear to mess things up; everyone was shot, kidnapped and substituted by a look-alike at least once. Very similar to the Bold and the Beautiful or the Young and the Reckless. The dialogue above was inspired by Lampsi.
Kalimera, Zoe was about the simple people. One of the main protagonists was police officer Theocharis. Gradually it became a cop opera. A dialogue between Theocharis and you asking for directions would be somewhat different.
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My dog: Going somewhere? Can I come please, please!? Let me dance around and get underfoot.
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Thanks! And you if anyone should know what the dog would say. I should have thought of that earlier, and I agree completely with what your dog said. My dog would say the same, unless he was tired.
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Dionne Warwick: I’m sorry, I’m just visiting. Do you know the way to San Jose?
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This is perfect! Thanks Kenny, great, great addition!
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by far your most comprehensive and amazing list of survey participants. I’m impressed that you got Michael Stipe to respond at all. I assume you provided a harsh whiskey and an illegal cigar to get him to talk. Props to you.
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Thanks! Michael is a big fan of science, so he was happy to help.
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I love your blog – it’s one of the few things I read that makes me snort with laughter! 🙂
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Thank you so much! That’s super nice of you to say! That made my day.
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