This post is a TOTAL WITCH HUNT!

The President is very concerned about witch hunts.

Our expert team of fake investigative reporters have determined, though, that he is also obsessed with other types of hunts and they have put together this list for us. I should add that they are probably greatest fake reporters ever with the biggest fake minds, and this is the listiest list you will see today, which is the greatest day ever.

• When entering a dark room, the President immediately announces, ” This is a TOTAL LIGHT SWITCH HUNT. We have the greatest light switches; no one else has them.”
• When he is using his smart backscratcher and can’t quite find the right spot, he will say, “I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH THIS ITCH HUNT. It is time for it to end!”
• For numerous reasons, he hates the movie Robin Hood. “IT’S A TOTAL RICH HUNT!”
• When his car got into a wreck in a drainage area on one of his properties, he declared, “This was a COMPLETE DITCH HUNT! THERE WAS NO COLLISION!”
• Whenever he watches American Idol or The Voice and gets upset about people who are singing off-key, he declares “THIS IS A TOTAL PITCH HUNT! We shouldn’t just let any singer on here! Why not more singers from Norway?”
• Shopping for eclectic art pieces for Trump Tower is a “TOTAL KITSCH HUNT!”
• He enjoys the Harry Potter movies except for when they play that game riding around on broomsticks. “IT’S A TOTAL QUIDDITCH HUNT!” He is also looking into ways to transfer funds from Hogwarts to some charter wizard schools.
• When he wants to get the freshest catsup to put on his steak, he will yell out “WHICH HUNT’s Ketchup is the new one?”
• He dislikes fishing, which he says is a “TOTAL FISH HUNT.”
• On the rare occasions when he plays golf, he gets upset when he can’t find some of his clubs, he will say “This is a TOTAL WEDGE HUNT! But, I will find it because there is NO CONFUSION!”
• Sewing is also problematic because it takes so long and is “A COMPLETE STITCH HUNT!”
• While he enjoys birthdays, he believes that blowing out candles on his cake is “A TOTAL WISH HUNT.”
• When he can’t find his lunch, it’s upsetting because it’s “A TOTAL SANDWICH HUNT! It’s the biggest sandwich ever, which only I can hold because my hands are so huge.”
• And finally, he dislikes this column because it’s “TOTAL FLIPPANT! NO CONCLUSION!”

Do you have any others to add to this greatest list ever? Feel free to comment below. Thanks!