Don’t believe the lyes! A few important questions about liquid hand soaps

Like many people, I enjoy washing my hands.

Although to be clear, I don’t believe that most other people like washing my hands, they generally prefer to wash their own.

And in 2020, I have been washing my hands even more than usual. All of this hand washing, though, has caused plenty of hand wringing due to the handful of important issues involving liquid hand soap in the world today. 

So, allow me to get onto my soapbox and whip my crowd of readers into a lather by exploring the sticky issues that seem to be bubbling up around liquid hand soap.

Why are they so hard to open? This is honestly my biggest problem with liquid hand soaps. Why are they complicated to open? Are they supposed to be child proof?

Other people must have this same problem, because the Softsoap company gives these directions on their website:

”Just make sure you tighten the collar on the bottle by turning it clockwise, then twist the pump counter-clockwise and you’re ready to go!”

That does work sometimes, but about half of the time you just spin and spin the top and nothing happens and you are definitely not ready to go.

And about a quarter of the time, the top just breaks so you have to pour the soap out or find a top that fits from a different bottle. Why can’t Congress do something to fix these soap bottles? (I should note that since I am mentioning Softsoap and Dial Soap in this column, I have had good luck opening their liquid hand soaps. The problem is usually with other liquid hand soap brands).

Isn’t the top of the bottle really dirty? Do you ever think about how you touch the top when your hands are at their dirtiest? I guess it’s ok, because you then clean your hands, but I wonder about the germs on the bottles.

Do you have a favorite hand to use on a soap bottle? I can only do the pump with my right hand. The left hand would feel too awkward.

What is the deal with the foaming hand soaps? Are these better because they have more bubbles? Or is the foam actually worse, like foam on beer or pop?

You can’t use the soap in the bottom of the bottle. It won’t go into the pump thing, so you have to try to pour it out, combine it with water (which often just makes a mess) or accept that you are wasting perfectly good soap.

I have no idea what scent/style to choose in the store.  Here are actual soaps from the Softsoap and Dial Soap websites.

• Refreshing Citrus –What does that mean? Like getting grapefruit juice in my face?
• Kitchen Fresh Hands – Again, I have no idea what this means. It is saying my kitchen is fresh?
• Fresh breeze – My hands will smell like a breeze? Or is the soap chilly?
• Juniper – I don’t know what a juniper is. I don’t want to buy soap that is smarter than me.
• Wild basil and lime – I think I am too old to smell like wild basil and lime. People will think I am going through a midlife crisis.
• Pearl essence – That just seems gross. I don’t want to wash my hands in that!
• Ocean splash – Wouldn’t this just be water? I already have water. I just need soap.

How can I get a job writing descriptions for liquid hand soaps? They are amazing! I am serious about this; I started reading the descriptions online and could not stop. It cannot be an easy job to writing exciting and poetic prose about soap, but some talented writers out there are pulling it off. Here are a few examples.

• “Bring a moment of joy to your day with Softsoap Foaming Hand Soap, Coconut and Warm Ginger. Rich foam gently cleanses skin for a delightful hand wash experience.”  I would like to bring more moments of joy to my day so I may try this, even though I am quite confused about this scent.
• Here is one from Dial Soap –  “Give your hands a refreshing cleanse with the pure, pink salt from the depths of the Himalayas – and leave it smelling like fresh water lily. “  Wait a minute! They get salt all of the way from the Himalayas just to make the hand soap in my bathroom? I definitely can’t waste any soap now! And what does a water lily smell like?
• And finally, Dial Soap offers special seasonal soaps, and here is part of the description for one of their summer soaps. “Your family will love this refreshingly tropical aroma that’s perfect for summer. You don’t even have to pack up the car for this citrusy-scented vacation in your hands.”  It’s a vacation in your hands!!!!!! I love that so much. I can’t wait to try that style and wash my hands in it, as long as I can get the stupid thing open.