This election has been stressful, meaningful and full-full.
I have eaten a lot!
But exactly how much weight have I gained? In order to find out, I talked to the election analysts on television who broke it all down for me. Here is what they had to say:
When you look at the pounds that Nick put on this week, you first need to study the trends for pounds, as well as reasons for the pounds in certain areas.
Some people say that the pounds that were added after Election Day should not count, and that he should have stopped counting that evening.
Every pound counts, though, so it is our responsibility to recognize the extra pounds that were legally added during the week due to Nick’s terrible eating habits.
Let’s back up first, and look at where we were coming into Election Day. Nick had for months been jogging regularly (as opposed to jogging in a weird day) because, really, what else is there to do? He has had no reason not to jog and his weight had stayed fairly consistent. He knew he would have solid support from his shoes, and inside the Beltway he felt very positive.
As Election Day grew closer, though, Nick seemed to make a concerted effort to increase his base by eating more doughnuts and junk food. That strategy made a difference on Election Day, as his anxiousness increased along with his bloat count.
As Election Day turned into Election Week, it was easy to see the trends where extra pounds were being added to the total. We tracked it to the Nutty Bars, Chex Mix and assorted candies, as Nick could not stop snacking.
Some parts of the body seemed to be unchanged after Election Day, such as the ankles, ears and elbows, but we saw a definite flip of the cheeks and forearms as the days drug on. Certainly, the largest increase, was here, in the gut, and it still continuing to go up incrementally.
I need to stress, though, that we could see changes in some areas in the next few days, for example in the neck where his throat increase could turn into a throat decrease. If you look at the trends, though, along with his recent trip to the grocery store, it is unlikely.
So where do we stand today, several days after the official Election Day? Some say that the margins are just too large and it is clear to see that Nick has gained too much weight. Some argue, though, that the scales of justice are off by a few pounds and need to be recalibrated (or moved to a floor with no slope). Others say that Nick actually lost weight during the Election. This seems unlikely, but the anxiousness did do a number on his stomach one day, so that could play a role.
No matter what we hear from the talking heads and the grumbling stomachs, though, the evidence is clear. Nick gained weight and this is a time for healing. This is a time for his legs to come together in order to jog more. It’s time for Nick to sit up again and again in order to decrease the size of his stomach.
Well, I’d have to say that the experts are right, and that it is time for change.
I, Nick Claussen, pledge to you today, and I will make that change. I will eat better, exercise more and lose that weight again!
Of course, we will have to wait until January before any real changes can happen. After all, we’re in the Holiday Season now.