Paper towels: Terrible at math, but terrific at cleaning up messes and playing music

Paper towels have evolved past the point of my comprehension.

Paper towel math makes no sense, the types of sheets are too complex and I’m still not positive if I can use them in the microwave or not.

The only thing I know for sure, in fact, is that I can turn paper towels into desktop speakers.

In order to wipe away the confusion surrounding this controversial topic, I absorbed as much paper towel information as possible, and I am proud to share my bounty of findings here with you today. And yes, this includes information on turning your paper towels into desktop speakers.

First of all, paper towel math makes no sense. Here is what the paper towel packages are claiming just at my local store.

  • 2=3
  • 2=4
  • 6=8
  • 6=9
  • 8=16

How does 6=8, but also 6=12? Why can’t 6=6?

What if I just want to buy two rolls of paper towels? Why must I purchase 3 or 4?

Don’t even get me started on toilet paper, where somehow 6=24 and 6=36.

It makes no sense. Here is what it would sound like if other products did this.

  • One towel is equal to 9 washcloths! 1=9!
  • One van is equal to three corvettes! 1=3! (When comparing to seating size)
  • Three facebook posts are equal to 17 Twitter posts! 3=17!

Paper towels also have all kinds of different variations now, too.

Scott’s paper towels, according to the company’s website, “feature unique ridges that quickly and effectively soak up messes with a sensible balance of value and performance.”

Personally, I find that if I am effectively soaking up messes, but I don’t have that sensible balance of value and performance, I just don’t feel right.

Brawny states on its package that their paper towels are “an American icon of strength and durability.” I know that when I spill gravy on the table, I want an American icon to help me clean up the mess.

These paper towels, according to the package, can apparently also change your whole personality and your life. “Giving you the confidence to accept all challenges. Allowing you to meet the worst moments with your best self. So, stay strong. Stay resilient. STAY GIANT.”

I honestly feel a little more confident already. I’m not sure what I would do with a paper towel during the worst moments of my life, but maybe I should keep Brawny with me just in case.

STAY GIANT my friends!

Many paper towels also now offer half sheets, quarter sheets, full sheets, double quilted and even ridges. How are there so many options for paper towels? Do I need one of each kind for each mess that I make?

Paper towels also come with colorful patterns and designs, I guess to make your messes look fancy when you clean them up.

According to the Bounty website, many people question if paper towels can be used in the microwave or not. Bounty states that their products “can be used in a microwave for short duration heating/reheating of food.”

If you are using a printed towel, though, they recommend “having the unprinted side in contact with food to reduce the possibility of ink transfer to food.”

I honestly did not know that was a concern before now. Who knew that we had to worry about paper towel ink our foods?

And just how much ink would it be?  If I use 2 paper towel sheets to cover my food, but 6=9, am I actually getting the ink from 3 paper towel sheets or 1.333?

I should add, tool, that Bounty’s paper towels are known as “The Quicker Picker Upper,,” which was also my nickname when I was single.

The Sparkle paper towel website promotes different ideas for its products, in addition to actually using them as paper towels.

One idea, and I am not making this up, is to use an empty paper towel tube and two paper cups in order to create speakers for your smartphone. Here is the link.

They also offer ideas for making wall decorations and party favors, in addition to tips for cleaning and cooking with paper towels. Did you know that paper towels can help you de-silk corn, keep lettuce fresh, revitalize hard brown sugar and even de-fat broth? You can learn more than you ever thought possible about paper towel uses on the Sparkle website, which is actually pretty interesting and helpful.

So what have we learned today? Well, paper towel math is flimsy, towel technology has advanced past anything Nancy Walker ever could have imagined, and I am now much more confident when I have paper towels with me.


7 thoughts on “Paper towels: Terrible at math, but terrific at cleaning up messes and playing music

  1. I hardly use them anymore except to reheat something in the microwave. I use towels that I can wash and use again(what a concept). I personally find those commercials for a papertowel that someone uses to SCRUB a mess in the kitchen, seriously I don’t reach for paper when I need to scrub. Funny when my kids were small we used Brawny and we had a carpenter working at the house that looked like the guy on the package which of course my kids had to tell him. They have changed/updated the image.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Do NOT get me started on select a size! They have been the bane of my existence since they first polluted the grocery store shelves. When I want a paper towel, I want a whole one…not a half, not a quarter, not an eighth. I am constantly tearing them at the wrong perforation and then stacking the small pieces like firewood. 😡
    As for the microwave, the only time I use them is to cook bacon, as they absorb the grease perfectly. If you can manage to rip two full sheets that is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, and I am with you. I don’t like the select a size at all. I usually want a whole sheet. If I want a half sheet, I am able to rip it myself without having to buy the half or quarter sized sheets. Thanks for the suggestion on the bacon, too. I may try that. Have a good day today!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Perhaps all these paper towels with their different characteristics can be used as talismen of sorts. Or perhaps, if you ate them, you could become like them. For instance, if you were a ballerina, you’d have to eat Scott’s, for a sensible balance of value and performance. Or if you needed to go to a job interview, you’d have to eat the brand that gives you confidence. What do you think?

    Liked by 1 person

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