I often marvel at the outstanding quality of names of different items. When you think about a nose, printer or teeter-totter, for example, those names seem to fit perfectly.
What else would you call a nose ? A smell canal? Facial tip? No! Nose knows no sufficient peer!
Also, the name teeter-totter is very descriptive and fun to say. Even the other name of see saw seems super.
At the same time, though, we have several rather bad names for items in the English language, and it’s time we fixed them. In order to help solve this colossal problem, our judges have put together this list of the Top 5 terrible names for everyday items.
First, a few honorable mentions.
Hand Dryers– Why not call it a Hands Dryer? I rarely use it for just one hand. In addition, it rarely gets my hands completely dry. I suppose, though, that part of the name is fitting, as they do not make my hands dry, but dryer.
Oranges – What kind of name is orange? Apparently the color was actually named after the fruit, but it’s still needs to be changed. I think we can come up with something better. How about antiapples? (They can’t be compared.) What about rounds? (It’s just as descriptive as orange.) Juicy fruit?
Finger foods – The name takes away my appetite. It’s a terrible name. Also, you can’t eat these foods with one finger. If anything, it’s hand food or slider snacks.
5. White grapes – They are green. They are clearly not white. One of our judges raised this issue at home recently, and I wanted to be sure to include it here as I agree completely. White cherries have a similar problem, as they are not really white at all.
4. Toothbrush (and related tooth items) – You don’t use it to brush just one tooth, just as you also don’t use toothpaste or a toothpick for one tooth. Why isn’t it a teethbrush? How about a dental brush? Mouth brush? Plaque puller?
3. Glasses – I have several problems here. First of all, am I talking about eye glasses or drinking glasses? It’s too confusing. If you are taking about spectacles, it definitely should be eyes glasses or maybe eyes glass. It’s a singular object for two eyes. As for drinking glasses, what kind of name is glass? When we are not using the fancy dishes, are we drinking out of plastics? They are really just topless bottles. I believe they should be referred to as drinker-drankers. Another judge at home just astutely pointed out that eye glasses could also referred to as blinker-blankers.
2. Bathrooms – I’d say at least one-third of them don’t have a bath in them. Why not call it a toilet room? Sink space? Shower shack?
1. Pants – Why is it a pair of pants or a pair of shorts? It is clearly one item and I know that many others agree with me (including my clever relative Keith). If you say that it’s because it goes over two legs, then why isn’t it a pair of shirts? That goes over two arms. I can make the same argument about leg warmers. It should be a legs warmer. A pair of socks makes sense and it’s the same with shoes, but not a pair of pants. Even saying you are wearing slacks makes no sense. First of all, I don’t think I have any clothes dressy enough to be referred to as slacks. If someone wanted to give me some slacks, though, I would prefer that they instead give me some slack, which I need after writing columns like this one.
If you have any terrible names you would like to share, please do so below. And If you take nothing else away from this column, I hope that you will at least consider referring to your drinking glasses now as drinker-drankers. It really is a great name. And when you have a party and you want to make a toast, please ask your guests to raise their clinker-clankers.