Is my beard really dirtier than a dog?

Lately, I keep seeing articles about how a new study has shown that dogs are actually cleaner than most men’s beards.

The study has received a lot of attention, but as someone with a beard I have several questions about it.

First of all, why did anyone do this study? I feel like someone without a beard did this study just to prove a point. Or perhaps someone who is married to a person with a beard funded the study just to get the spouse to shave.

Why does it matter if my beard is dirty anyway? I don’t eat off of my beard. No one pets it as they would pet a dog. My beard is just over here by itself, trying not to bother anyone while looking awesome.

Maybe it’s good that beards are dirty. I think of my beard as a food and air filter for my mouth. Much like you have filters on your furnace or screens on your windows, my beard keeps out dust, bugs and extra food items. I think if my beard wasn’t dirty, it wouldn’t be doing it’s job.

How does it compare to other animals? I imagine my beard is cleaner than a pig, but not as clean as a bird. I think it is cleaner than a fish, and probably about even with a bear.

Dogs are able to lick their fur more easily than I am able to lick my beard. I try to keep it clean by licking it, but dogs just have an advantage here. I don’t feel that I or my beard should be punished by simple biology and evolution.

What about dogs with beards? They must be extra dirty.

Honestly, I think on that on most days, my face would be dirtier than a dog whether I had a beard or not. And if I am eating chicken wings, ice cream or Cheetos, I will definitely be dirtier than a dog.

At least my beard doesn’t chase cats or bark at the neighbors. Take that, dogs!

How do my eyebrows compare to a dog? As I have gotten older, they have gotten much larger and I am pretty sure there is some dirt and possibly some old popcorn up in them.

Maybe the answer to this problem is just to make sure that our dogs get dirtier. That way, beards will be cleaner once again without us having to do anything different to our beards.

The word beard is kind of funny. It looks just like “heard” but is pronounced very differently. If you take out the “d,” it sounds different as “bear,” but if you instead take out the “r” it sounds different as “bead.” And if you just move the “r” the word changes from “beard” to “bread.”

If you spill an alcoholic drink on the hair on your face, you can say that you have a beered beard. At least I like to say that.

I suppose that I should try to keep my beard cleaner in the future. I do think that studies like this are helpful and that I should be more aware of the need to keep my facial hair clean. In addition, I should try to improve the look of my beard, too, in order to stay ahead of the dogs. Maybe I can even (get ready for this one), braid bread, beer and bear beard beads into it.